Two years ago I did a "Thankfulness" photo project.  The idea was to create a list of the things I was thankful for and then each day grab the camera and create a series of photos to illustrate them.  At times it was a little more difficult than anticipated.  There were days where I wasn't up to the challenge so I skipped them and came back later to play "catch up".  By the end of November 2017, I had series of photos that represented the things I was thankful for that year.

Recently I shared about what it feels like to be living life on an emotional rollercoaster and dealing with uncontrollable mood swings and the challenges that it presents.  Part of the reason I started this blog was because I wanted a way to be open and honest with my experiences instead of trying to hide behind the mask afraid to share my truth.

This past week has been an interesting journey.  There have days when thing seemed to be on a fairly even plane. Then there were other days when I was afraid of hitting my breaking point.  But today I want to share about an experience I had last Friday.

Have you ever found yourself on an emotional roller coaster where you find yourself swinging from one extreme to another with little to no warning?  Going from being relatively ok one minute to fighting back tears and feelings of complete hopeless the next.  Or suddenly finding yourself filled with an uncontrollable rage for no apparent reason.  That has been my life for the last few weeks.  The hardest part of it all is that I don't understand why it's happening.  I watch myself doing and saying things that make no sense and feeling like watching someone else.

One of the most difficult things right now is feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle most days.  I know this isn't who I am and yet it is.  I am working hard to find some sense of peace in mist of the unending chaos.

When I initially started this blog my goal was to publish at least 3 days a week but after within a couple of months I started to realize that was a daunting task.  By the middle of August when my schedule started to get a bit more chaotic it ended up on the back burner and as a result I didn't post anything for a little over a month.  When I started it back up my goal was to post at least once a week but life once again got in the way and as result there was another month long gap between posts.  Since then I've been able to maintain the minimum of 1/week schedule but tonight I wanted to throw in a "bonus" post for the week.

The reason is simple: 

The last few months I have been struggling with some physical and mental health issues. While I still believe that it's 99% all in my head others around me aren't as convinced and as a result have been helping me to try and get things figured out.  It's been an adventure, especially dealing with the insurance but hopefully we will have some answers soon (even if it does turn out to be all in my head).

This past few weeks have been more challenging than I want to admit and want to document it because it's part of what living in recovery is.  

Not entirely sure where to start or how much detail I should include so here it goes:

The last few months I have been struggling more than I actually want to admit.  I've been trying hard to hide the worst of it from people and throw on a "happy" face because that seems to be what's expected.  But last night things got to a point where I couldn't hide it anymore.  I reached out for help but there is still a part of me that wishes I could have simply figured out how to get through it on my own.  

Thankful for the help that I received last night and more thankful that it didn't escalate further. But still struggling and trying to find a way to simply make it through the day.

Breaking Point

I recently had the opportunity to be the "Target Speaker" at a Toastmasters Area Evaluation Contest and decided to record it so I could share it with others.  It's a speech topic I've spoken on before and one that is very near and dear to me... suicide prevention.

"Breaking Point - October 2019"

The truly excited and amazing part though was being able to see the evolution from where I started with close to 3 years ago and see how much I've grown as a speaker.  For those who are interested here is the version I presented back in February 2017:

Trash Can

In August, I had the opportunity to facilitate the "Reframing Your Perspective" workshop at the St. Simmons for the Annual GMHCN Summer Conference.  While I was there I found myself engaged in a conversation about how our filters are developed at a young but overtime can change.  In an effort to help explain what I was I talking about I used a trash can as visual aid to help illustrate my point.  From that random conversation the speech entitled, "Trash Can" was born:

The last few months have been interesting to say the least.  There have been some really amazing things that have happened.  I presented/facilitated the "Reframing Your Perspective" workshop I have been developing for over two years at the System of Care Academy in June and again at the GMHCN Summer Conference in August and received positive feedback from both.  In September, the "Fighting the Darkness" event was relatively successful even though the attendance was much lower than we had hoped for I again got positive feedback from the people who attended.

*** TRIGGER WARNING***

The stage of recovery is, “Life is Limited”.    They have moved past the initial impact and have started to identify themselves by the perceived limitations caused by their diagnosis.  This is the phase where people have essentially given up on their lives getting better.  The stigma associated with the illness and symptoms of their illness has created a new self-image.  One in which they believe they are no longer capable of living the life they once had.  The “Life is Limited” stage of recovery is living a life without hope. 

**** TRIGGER WARNING**** 

These images may be difficult for some people to view.  Please know no was injured and while they do depict self-harm:

I started the Hello, My Name is... project in 2018 in part because I wanted to give others the opportunity to share their own lived experiences with the stigma associated with mental illness.  I used the photos I took as a way for me to illustrate the "Impact of Illness" stage as a template for others to follow to show the progression but they each created the labels based on their personal experiences.  During the shoots I only referred to the people by the labels created and attached themselves to help evoke the thoughts and emotions caused by the diagnosis or phrases that all too often become part of our identity.

From the time I first learned about the “5 Stages of Recovery” back in December 2014 it has been my goal to create a series of photos depicting each stage of my own recovery journey.  The original idea I had for the first stage, “Impact of Illness” was to create a series of portraits taken through a broken piece of glass.  The idea was to set up the camera on one side of the glass and then stand on the opposite side to create the illusion of looking into a mirror. I had intended write the various labels and negative messages (both from others as well as my own internal thoughts/beliefs) that I associated with the “Impact” phase.  I attempted on multiple occasions to find a way to create these images but after years of frustration and not finding a safe and effective way to do I put the project to the side.

There have times in my life when I thought I understood what true confidence felt like. But then I’d be faced with a new obstacle only to have that feeling complete wash away. I have found myself here yet again. Questioning everything I thought I knew. Feeling so completely lost, confused and scared. There is part of me that feels like I will never be good enough. That believes no matter how hard I work I will always come up short of my goal. The thing that hurts the most right now, right now in this very moment, is questioning whether I'm doing enough, working hard enough to achieve my goals. The problem is I don’t know how to do more than I'm already doing. But still the questions linger: Did I not reach out soon enough for help? Why can’t I be better building connections? What am I doing wrong? What does true confidence feel like? I wish I knew what it felt to truly believe that: I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am worth enough just the way I am. 

There is a common misbelief that self-care is selfish but in reality it is vital to maintaining our wellbeing and avoiding burnout. It’s not about putting our own needs above the needs of others but instead taking time to simply take care of yourself.  For some this can be difficult to understand. 

Creating SMART goals with IMPACT

 The idea of S.M.A.R.T. goals was first introduced in 1981 by George T. Doran as tool to writing goals out with the purpose of increasing the chances of completing them. 

      S- Specific:  It is important to be specific with what you want to achieve.  When we create goals that our too broad it makes it more difficult to focus on what we are trying to work on.  Think about using the 5-W's (Who, What, Where, When, Why) when creating your goals.  For example: Who will be able to assist you with different aspects of your goal? Where you will be working on the goal or using a specific event as a deadline? What is it that you are trying to accomplish? When would you like to accomplish this by (which will be covered more in the T- Time Sensitive section) Why do you want to work on this goal?

    M- Measurable: This allows you to have a defined metrics that can be used to determine whether or not you have achieved your goal. It also provides a tangible method to gauge your progress and allows you the opportunity to break down larger goals into smaller chunks with easily definable milestones which allow you to celebrate smaller successes as you work toward a larger achievement.

     A- Achievable: This is important because the purpose of setting goals to work toward accomplishing what you set out to do.  While you want to challenge yourself, you also want to make sure the goals you set are achievable.  Goals should be used as a way to motivate you to step outside of your comfort zone and grow.  If you don't feel that you currently possess the tools/skills needed to achieve your goals think about how you can develop them.

     R- Relevant:  Focus your goals on something that is relevant to you.  Whether you are creating a professional goal or a personal goal it is important to make sure that you are invested in achieving the goals you make for yourself.  We make time for the things in life that we care about.  Whereas we make excuses and find ways to avoid the doing things we don't care about or simply don’t want to do.  The key is to shift your perspective. Instead of looking at it is something you "HAVE" to do, flip it around and make it something you "GET" to do instead.  Making your goals are relevant helps to keep you motived to see it through, especially through the rough spots.

     T- Time Bound: It's important to ensure you give yourself a deadline to work toward.  When we set goals without a deadline it makes it a lot easier to push them to the side to work on other things instead.  This greatly reduces the likelihood of achieving your goals.  Giving your goals a deadline creates a sense of urgency but it’s important to ensure that the deadline is achievable.  If you're working on a larger goal, break it into smaller chunks and provide a deadline for those as well.  This will serve as a way to give the sense of urgency but at the same time make it a more manageable goal and increase your chances of succeeding.

Using the S.M.A.R.T. system is a great way to create and stay focused on achieving the goals you’ve set for yourself.  But there is a way to take it to the next step and create goals that are not only S.M.A.R.T. but also have IMPACT.

I first introduced the concept of creating goals with IMPACT in 2015 when I attended WHAM (Whole Health Action Management) training.  

I- Improve: When you’re creating a goal it’s important to think about how it’s going to improve your situation.  By understanding and recognizing how your goals will improve some aspect of your life you will be more likely to stick with it.

M- Measurable: Similar to above, making your goal measurable provides both you and your support system a way to determine what progress has been made toward accomplishing the goal you have created for yourself.

P- Positively stated: Focusing your goals on creating something new in your life as opposed to something removing something makes it easier to stay motivated.  For example, instead: “I want to lose X pounds” you were to create a goal that stated, “I want to start running again.”  

A- Achievable: One of the key elements to creating effective goals is ensure they are achievable.  You want to push yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to grow, but if you want to careful not to make goals that are not obtainable.  When you create your goals gauge your confidence scale of being able to complete it. If you score less than 7/10 examine the goal and find a way to restate to create a goal that is achievable.  

C- Call forth actions: By creating goals that are relevant to your life you are more likely to stay motivated to accomplish those goals.  A call to action provides you with the method you plan to take to ensure you follow through the goals you have set.

T- Time limited: Deadlines provide a sense of urgency and increase the motivation to complete those goals.  But it is also important to create a start time as well.  By providing yourself with a specific date you will start working toward your goal it reduces the temptation to push it to the side.  

It’s been over a year since I last attempted to run.  Now while this may seem all that significant to some, it is to me.  Growing up I was an athlete.  To be honest, it didn’t really matter what sport it was, although soccer has always been my favorite, I just loved being a part of a team and pushing myself physically to see how far I could go.

We moved around a lot when I was growing up and playing sports also gave me a chance to meet other kids.  Not really sure I had friends necessarily but being a part of a team at least let me feel like I had a place where I belonged.  Even though I was cut from the soccer team my freshman year of high school I didn’t let that stop me and was one of the players that helped start the girls’ team my sophomore year in spite of them telling us there wasn’t enough interest. I still remember the first game of that year when we had to wear the old practice football jerseys because the school didn’t provide us uniforms. Afterwards, one of the parents sponsored our team but that first game was definitely one to remember.  We lost every game that first season, but it didn’t matter because we stuck together and never gave up.

When I was younger, I never particularly enjoyed running but as I got older and quickly came to realize my days of playing team sports were over I found solace in running, especially once I was able to again after having ankle surgery to repair the ligaments and remove a bone chip in 2012.

I slowly started to run in 2013, after being encouraged by a friend to attempt a 5k with her.  I agreed and while I wasn’t able to complete it found myself hooked.  At the beginning of 2014, I set a goal for myself to complete at least one 5k a month.  Was doing fairly well until Labor Day weekend when I managed to fall off a curb on the last night of Dragon Con (still don’t actually remember what happened though) and sprained my “good” ankle. By October I had to concede defeat and accept that it was time to get the left ankle fixed which meant that I was through running for the rest of the year.

The recovery process was difficult, especially after becoming more active, and to be honest I probably pushed myself too hard, too fast once I was allowed to get back out and start training again.  I found myself in a love/hate relationship with running and eventually found a local running group which gave me the chance to be a part of a “team” again.  

Unfortunately, in February 2017 I tore the meniscus in my right knee (also discovered I have arthritis in both knees). Then I was rear-ended at the end of April of the same year.  I didn’t let it completely stop me from running but it definitely slowed me down.  Last year I decided I wanted to refocus and attempt my original goal of completing at least one 5k a month after having to take several months off.

I started off doing fairly well, even though I had significantly reduced my training I was still able to at least complete a 5k.  But overtime the pain in my knee became unbearable and I once again conceded defeat on my 40^thbirthday when I barely crossed the finish line at my last completed 5k.  Earlier this I decided I was going to start training again and signed up for a 5k in June which was cancelled due to weather. (Apparently running when there’s lighting outside is a bad idea).  Then life got in the way.  But I have decided to recommit myself and start training next month once my schedule will be a little more manageable.  

Going to start slow and build up over time.  The key will be to ensure that I remember to use the SMART system when I set up my goals moving forward.  But more about that next time.

Unbroken

For a long time, I felt like I was broken inside and if I'm being honest there are times I still do. But this is a representation of what recovery mean to me. Putting all the pieces back together and accepting the cracks.

While it may not be noticeable, the mask was cut apart, glued back together and stitched with green thread (the color for mental health recovery and the only pre-planned color choice in the piece.)

Understanding recovery can be difficult. According to the Oxford Dictionary recovery is defined as:

1.    a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength

2.    the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost

During Certified Peer Specialist training recovery was defined as: the process of gaining control over one’s life – and the direction one wants that life to go – on the other side of a psychiatric diagnosis and all of the losses associated with that diagnosis

We hide behind masks to protect ourselves from the judgements of others. We work hard to put on a brave face, so people don’t see the truth behind the facade.  Especially in our society where people seem to equate anything less that happiness as a crime.  When we are brave enough to let our guard down and show people the truth of who we are the accuse of playing games with them or tell us to stop being so negative.  We are surrounded by those who belittle us for simply being our true and authentic selves because they are too afraid to let others see they are hurting too.

Words Matter

Words matter.  They can be used to build a person up or tear them down.  There are some words and phrases that appear to be positive and supportive but in fact are more harmful because they are often used by those who think they hare being helpful.  Some of these phrases include: “Stop being so negative, just be happy.” or “You’ll get it over it.” And a personal favorite of mine, “Let it go.”

Imagine for a moment that you are in a dark room where it is pitch black and there is no light source in sight.  The darkness has completely enveloped you and over time you learn to adapt to the lack of light.  It’s not a “comfortable” or “happy” existence but it’s your reality and what you’ve come to expect.  Hold that image in your head.

Now imagine what would happen if you were suddenly exposed to light and told that it’s better for you. That you need to embrace it. People don’t understand why you don’t want to be in that light and try to force it upon without understanding that it causes you pain. 

This is what happens when people who simply don’t understand that their well-intentioned words and/or actions can cause harm.  They see someone who is hurting and struggling, and they want to help so they attempt to force “positivity” on them instead of taking the time to talk with them. They don’t realize that it is not as simple as just thinking happy thoughts or being positive.

The way we view ourselves is based on our lived experiences.  These experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  They help us define who we are and over time we have learned to protect these beliefs because they are part of our identity.  As a result, the messages we received from others are filtered through these beliefs.  Bombarding someone with you believe to positive messages often times causes more harm.

Over time my perception of myself has changed, but it wasn’t because of the positive messages from others. Instead it was through learning how to change my thoughts.  No one could do it for me but there were those who provided me with the support and tools as I learned how to change my thoughts.  As my confidence grew and I started to recognize my strengths I was able to start processing the positive messages I was receiving from others which helped to reinforce the positive self-image I was slowly starting to develop.

The problems arise when others tried to force the changes, and occasionally still do, because they don’t understand that what they perceive to be positive messages are not being filtered that way.  Especially during the times when I’ve struggling with the old tapes playing in my head.  When we try to force our beliefs on others we are create a toxic environment and our message gets lost.

All too often I have found that when I have tried to share my perceptions and/or beliefs about a situation that contradicted with another person their response has typically been either to “let it go” or that I needed to “get over it.” The problem with these seemingly well-meaning phrases is that are in fact not.  Instead the result is a feeling of being dismissed, that my view is invalid and that I’m wrong for feeling the way that I do.  In spite of the fact I have worked hard to alter my self-image the old filters are still there. 

The newer filters the make it possible for the positive messages to be received, but they didn’t replace the older filters.  And that is where the danger of forced/toxic positivity comes from.

How we perceive life and ourselves is based on our own lived experiences.  From these experiences we develop our beliefs, about ourselves and the world around us.  Over time we have learned to protect our beliefs and when others try to alter them we resist because they are what define us.  In order to change we have to learn to challenge our beliefs, whether about the world around us or how we see ourselves.  Change is difficult and it can be hard to step outside of our comfort zone. But true growth comes from change.

Capturing Your Story

Long before I was comfortable speaking I learned to use art as a way to communicate with the world.  The camera provided me with a way to share my story with others without having to find the right words to describe what I was thinking or feeling. Photography offered a buffer from the world and a safe way to express myself. 

Messages of Hope revived

Hope is a powerful thing.  It can provide with that one small thing to hold on to when it feels like your world is crumbling all around you.  A few years ago, I started a personal project called, “Messages of Hope” where I asked a group of peers to share the various positive affirmations they use or things messages someone has shared with them that helped them when they were fighting their own personal darkness.  It was a project I had fully intended to continue long term unfortunately life got in the way and as a result it fell to the back burner.  

Recently I have come to realize that one of the greatest gifts you can give to another person is hope.  And to that end I have decided to revive the old project and currently looking for people who would like to participate.  The concept is fairly simple: we will arrange a time to meet and together we do a “Messages of Hope” photoshoot similar to the examples below.  If you are interested please e-mail me to set up a shoot date: recovery.artist2019@gmail.com

Wellness Tools

Some of the most common coping skills and/or wellness tools people share with others include things like: Counting to 10, Deep Breathing and Positive Affirmations.  But unfortunately, it has been my experience that while these can be helpful they more often they are simply spouted off without any real consideration on effectively using them. In an effort to help others understand the benefits of these skills I would like to provide some guidance and break down the process I’ve used myself to better explain how they can be put into practice.

Recovery is Real

For as long as I can remember I've always been, "different" but didn't always want to accept it. Today I'm thankful that I am living proof that recovery is real. Whether it be dealing with various physical challenges that have cropped up over the year or the mental illness issues I have lived with for a majority of my life, I refuse to give up.  

Artful expressions

One of the things I’m always thankful for is when my muse hits me with the gift of creativity. From a young age there have been 2 things that I've always identified myself as, an athlete and an artist. Even as kid I loved creating things. When I was little I would draw, paint, and enjoyed doing various other craft projects. 

Understanding connections

Understanding people and interpersonal communication skills are of my biggest challenges I deal with on a regular basis. Finding ways to connect with others is difficult for me andI've often to tried explaining it people by describing it as if someone has taken a wide variety of different jigsaw puzzles of different sizes, shapes, images, etc. and mixed them all together.  Then randomly handing me a pile of the pieces and expecting me to figure how they all fit together in a way that’s sense.  

Walking Miracle

The chance to share your recovery story can be a very empowering experience but at the same time it can feel like a completely daunting task. One of the challenges is remembering to focus on the “recovery” instead of dwelling on the “illness”.  Today I am going to share part of my story in the hopes that it might help others understand that they are not alone.

Fear is a 4-letter word

Fear, something most people tend to shy away from and avoid at all costs.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines fear as, “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger” so it would make sense that people would want to avoid it.  But fear is an essential part of life.  It’s what keeps us from doing things that could cause serious physical harm.   But fear can also limit us and prevent us from venturing outside of our known comfort zone due the perceived danger not of physical injury but of emotional and mental harm.

Reframed Perspectives

Emotions can be difficult to understand and process at times.  In fact, one of the questions I fear the most is: How are you feeling/doing?  To be fair there are actually two reasons why I dread this question.  On the one hand I am always questioning whether they actually want to know how I’m feeling/doing in that particular moment or if they are simply asking out of societal expectations of being polite.  On the other hand, what if they are genuinely interested or concerned about my welfare at that given moment?  My response is usually the same regardless of the other persons motive for asking, I don’t know because emotions tend to confuse me and in general I really don’t know what I’m feeling at given time.

Platinum Rule

When we were kids we were taught to follow the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you.  Makes sense right, to treat others the way you wanted to be treated. But what if it doesn’t really work that way?

Making the Shift

Over the years I’ve gotten better at ignoring “The Beast” but occasionally it still likes to come out and taunt me. Especially when I’m struggling with one thing or another and find myself in a dark space fighting just to make it through the day.  I’m come to expect its presence during these rough patches and while it’s tough fighting it’s voice but thankfully I’ve learned ways to cope with it.  

Hello, my name is...

Last March, I started the “Hello, my name is…” photo series as part of my first High Performance Leadership (HPL) project for Toastmasters.  For those of you unfamiliar with Toastmasters, it is an international non-profit organization that focuses on building better communication and leadership skills.  The purpose of the HPL project is create a project that allows you grow and improve your leadership skills through areas such as teambuilding, conflict management or in my case developing a vision.

The purpose of the “Hello, my name is…” project is to create a series of photos that illustrate the “Impact of Illness” stage of recovery and the effect of the stigma associated with mental illness. The series of photos will start with the individual’s name and the progress to show how their identity has taken away once they receive a diagnosis, including the derogatory slang terms often used and how the media portrays people with mental illness.  This is a self-directed process allowing each person the opportunity to share their own experiences.

The Power of Words

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.  That’s what we were taught when I was growing up.  The truth is that words are far more powerful than the simple nursery rhyme would have had us believe as children. Words have the ability to break a person’s spirit and impact the way the way she view’s herself.  But words can also be used heal and empower us to believe we can be the best version of our self.

Positively Dangerous

Have you ever stopped think about how toxic positivity can be?  On the surface being a positive and happy all time is a great thing.  No one wants to feel the hard emotions like being sad but that doesn't make them any less important.

I remember the first time I saw the Pixar movie Inside Out and thinking to myself what a complete bully Joy was, especially in the way she treated Sadness.  The other emotions represented (Anger, Disgust, Fear) are all accepted but Sadness is pushed over to the side in an attempt to “protect” their girl Riley.  One of the greatest moments in the movie is toward the climax when Joy starts to realize that Sadness has an important purpose too.  And often times some of the core “Joy” moments came shortly after a “Sadness” moment.  It was in watching this movie that I not only started to better understand the different emotions but also loved how they showed the importance of all five core emotions: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust and Fear.

 How are you doing today? 

This seemingly meaningless question may not seem like a big deal to some people, but I fear it.  In part because I’ve never sure whether people actually want to know the answer or if they are simply asking because it’s a standard greeting.  And honestly, not sure which is harder to answer.

I have been taught that the polite thing to say is “I’m good” or some other variation because in general the person asking doesn’t really expect an answer or want to know how you’re really feeling in the moment.

Speech Video

Yesterday marked the 9-year anniversary of my last suicide attempt. It was also the 9-year anniversary of when I lost Tiberious Bones (T-Bone) Last night I had the opportunity to give a speech at Jokers Wild Toastmasters. I spoke my truth and shared my story about what led up to the attempt and some what occurred afterwards. It was cathartic but also a bit draining. But I'm beyond thankful that I am still here and able to 
share my story.

Breaking Point

On June 13, 2010, my world fell apart.  It was a Sunday morning. That fateful morning, I got the phone call that would change the course of my life forever, my sweet, lovable pup, Tiberius Bones (T-Bone for short) had passed away during the night. 

The Beast

Living in recovery is not always easy.  There are days when I am ready to throw in the towel and say the hell with it. There have been times when it felt like I would never be good enough. When the self-doubt creeps and I find myself thinking that it doesn’t matter how hard I work, I will always fall short of my goals. Those are the days I dread, especially when the old tapes start playing in a loop in my head, the darkness returns and The Beast starts to regain control.

Running for the Goal

There are two things that have helped me get through life: art and sports. Art provide a way to express myself and helped me to communicate with the world when I didn’t have the words. Sports gave me a chance to feel like I belonged somewhere.

Growing up we moved around a lot due to my father’s job.  By the time, I was thirteen years old we have moved twelve times and I had gone to six different schools between kindergarten and eighth grade.  One of the hardest parts about moving around as much as we did was that I was constantly the “new kid” at school and I had really hard time trying to fit in. But even though I was never a star athlete, sports gave me the chance to be a part a team and a place to belong.

Life Lessons

In September 2016, I attempted my first half marathon which unfortunately I wasn’t able to complete.  After the race I found myself struggling to come terms with what had happened.  Not simply the fact that I wasn’t able to achieve the goal I set for myself but also the loss of someone I had considered to be a close friend.  I was hurting not only physically but also mentally and emotionally.  I was discouraged because I wasn’t able to finish the race.  I wanted it.  I had worked hard and trained for months to prepare for it.  But in the end, I still came up short of my goal even though it was the farthest distant I had ever run before and it hurt like hell not being able to cross the finish line and bring home my shiny finisher’s medal. When combined with some other things that transpired afterward, well I found myself going to a dark place. It was a rough weekend, but I’ve never regretted doing it. 

The race was at Camp Lejeune in Jacksonville, NC which made for a LONG drive home the day after. One of the greatest advantages to long drives, especially when I’m alone in the car is that it provides me with an ample amount time to think things over.  Here are some of the “Life Lessons” I discovered as a result of what initially felt like a complete failure: 

Messages of Hope

In November 2014, I got the opportunity to attend the Georgia Peer Support Institute (GPSI), where I learned about more mental health recovery and the basis of peer support services.  It was an amazing learning experience and the start of my journey toward becoming a Certified Peer Specialist.

One of the expectations at the completion of the training is to complete a community-based project based on one of the principles learned at GPSI. There were plenty of options to choose from, but I decided to focus on the "Walking Miracle" exercise, where peers learn how to share about the recovery journey.  At training I had the opportunity to share part of my own journey but felt really self-conscious and overwhelmed because at the time speaking to people, even in a one-on-one scenario, was intimidating.  I realized that I couldn’t be the only one who felt that way.  There had to be others who wanted the chance to share their stories but didn’t feel comfortable speaking about it so I decided to create a project that would allow people the opportunity to share their stories through art instead.  I assembled a diverse group of peers and asked them each the same question: “What does recovery mean to you?” Then we organized a photo shoot where they were share their stories while I captured answers with the camera.

Journey of Self Expression

In 2013, I had the opportunity to submit my work to a local gallery show whose theme was "Abandoned". I decided to focus on the people who are often "abandoned" by society and set up my first formal photo shoot.  It was an amazing experience and I was lucky enough to work with a great local actor and make-up artists who helped me bring the images I envisioned to life.   The goal was to show a kid who had been abused and bullied by his peers. It was my first chance to share part of my story through a series of photos without having to actually talk about my experiences:

Finding A Voice Through Art

Imagine for a moment that you have lost your voice. You still have the same thoughts. The same feelings.  Only now you have no way to share them with others. Simple things most people take for granted, like making eye contact or understanding social cues, are confusing so you retreat back into yourself.  There are times when you want to engage with others, to be a part of the group but the fear of not being able to express yourself holds you back.

I’ve been living with mental illness most of my life, and at times it leaves me in a dark place.  Emotions confuse me, and I don’t always know how to properly express them. A few years ago, I had a great therapist named Joyce.  Often times when she asked how I was feeling the only response I could give her was a blank, deer in headlights stare.  Thankfully she had a special deck of cards that not only gave the names of different emotions, but also had pictures to describe what those emotions were supposed to look like.  Using those cards, I could pick out the pictures that described what I was feeling and together we would decide whether the emotion attached was really what I was feeling.  Joyce helped me to better understand that images could be used to communicate.  

Organized Chaos

Some days it's hard to pinpoint what exactly I'm thinking or feeling.  It can be really frustrating trying to sift through the chaotic landscape of my jumbled thoughts and create some sense of order.  But one of the truly amazing things about art is that it can help with that.  While photography is my main focus there are times I like to explore other art mediums as well.  

The Maze

During the four month period following the suicide attempt after losing T-Bone back in 2010, I was hospitalized a total of four times.  The first time was immediately after being discharged from the ICU, where I spent 2 days on a ventilator and from what I was told they weren't entirely sure I still had brain function.  The reality is I was released too soon, and while my team of advocates recognized that I didn't and sadly neither did the staff at the pysch unit where I was hospitalized.  But I was compliant with their treatment plan and did as I was told, in large part because I simply wanted to get the heck out of there and start piecing my life together.

The Beast Within

On June 13, 2010, I attempted suicide after losing my pup T-Bone who was only a week shy of 19 months old.  Months not years, he never even made it to his second birthday.  Losing him almost destroyed me and over the course of the next four months I was in and out of the local psychiatric hospital as I tried to come to terms with my grief of losing him along with the guilt I felt about it because for a long time afterwards I felt responsible for his death.  In truth, I did everything I could for him but unfortunately in the end there was nothing to be done.

Change

Change is not easy, but it is inevitable.  In reality the only true constant in the universe is that life is constantly changing. Personally, I’ve never been a big fan of change. It’s uncomfortable and unknown. People talk about the “comfort zone” a lot and often believe that it’s easy place to be.  One that’s comforting and pleasant. And while at time that can be true, I’ve often found it’s less about being “comfortable” and more about knowing what to expect. Understanding what is expected of you. It’s not about whether you like the situation or circumstances you’re in; it’s about knowing and understanding what is going to happen. Change can be a great thing and lead to amazing opportunities. One of the take away messages I learned at in 2014 while at Certified Peer Specialist training is that, “There is no growth in the Comfort Zone.  And there is no comfort in the Growth Zone.”