The Green Phoenix

Recently I shared about what it feels like to be living life on an emotional rollercoaster and dealing with uncontrollable mood swings and the challenges that it presents.  Part of the reason I started this blog was because I wanted a way to be open and honest with my experiences instead of trying to hide behind the mask afraid to share my truth.

This past week has been an interesting journey.  There have days when thing seemed to be on a fairly even plane. Then there were other days when I was afraid of hitting my breaking point.  But today I want to share about an experience I had last Friday.
Originally my plan had been to spend all day Monday hiking out at Kennesaw Mountain but ended up volunteering at the Kennesaw Parks & Rec. Veteran's Luncheon instead which was a great experience and chance to give back not only to the community but to local veterans as well.  Afterwards, I did get in a short 3.6 mile hike which was a good way to clear my head a bit. The rest of the week I had a fairly packed schedule so I decided that I was going to go back and explore more of the trails last Friday instead.

I was struggling with some self-destructive feelings but still made an effort to do it the right way.  Knowing that I intended to spend the day hiking I packed a lunch and made sure I had plenty of water with me.  Also made sure to bring dry clothes to change into once I got back to my car because I wasn't going to let a little bit of rain stop me from getting out there and pushing myself.

It started out a little rough, especially because I was stuck in my head and fighting the old tapes but refused to simply turn around and give up.  Instead I wandered somewhat aimlessly following the trails with no specific destination in mind. As I explored the various trails I simply talked to God.  At first there was a lot of anger and frustration.  Honestly I probably spent the first hour or so just venting and trying to understand why I was angry, but I also remembered to thank Him for the good stuff in my life too.  I thanked for the people in my life who care about me and for Max.  Even thanked for the creating the beauty that I was surrounded by and the fact I was still around to appreciate it even though there are times when I struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I spent a little over six hours hiking across 8.15 miles of multiple trails on Friday.  Somewhere in the middle of the day I started to feel like myself again and I took time to thank God for it.  I knew that it wasn't likely to last but for the few hours that it did I soaked it in and simply enjoyed living in that moment.  Thing is even though it's since passed, I still remember to thank God for that time because it was a precious gift and one I'm grateful for.  Especially as I sit here today writing this out because it reminded me of who I am.