The chance to share your recovery story can be a very empowering experience but at the same time it can feel like a completely daunting task. One of the challenges is remembering to focus on the “recovery” instead of dwelling on the “illness”. Today I am going to share part of my story in the hopes that it might help others understand that they are not alone.
Growing up we moved around a lot due to my father’s job. I never really found a way to “fit in” with my peers which made things difficult at times, but I learned to keep people at a distance because it was easier in the long run. I’m not entirely sure when I started to realize that I was “different” from those around me but at the same time I don’t recall a time where I honestly felt like I fit anywhere either.
A month before I turned thirteen we moved to Georgia and it would turn out to be the last move we would make as a family. At the time I didn’t believe that and continued to keep my distance from people while at the same time I still tried to figure out how to belong. Unfortunately, we moved to a relatively small town where most of the kids I went to school with had known each other since Lamaze class. I had dealt with bullies previously but when we moved here things felt so much worse, especially as the years passed and it started to sink in that we wouldn’t be moving again.
Roughly a month after my sixteenth birthday things seemed to go from bad to worse. I was miserable at home, working at my first job and barely starting my junior year of high school (which to this day I still think is the hardest year from K-12). One evening my brother came to pick up after work and we got into a stupid argument and I managed to sneak off and started walking home. I was angry and needed to cool off so I didn’t go straight home and when I stopped at the police station to call my mother to let her know where I was at, that I was safe and headed that way I heard the call come in over the radio that I had been reported as a runaway. Things escalated quickly from there and by the end of the night I had been arrested for assaulting a police officer and sent to the Children’s Shelter (thankfully in lieu of YDC). Less than a week later I was admitted to the state psychiatric hospital where I spent close to a month.
That was the first time I was hospitalized but not the last. Over the next 16 years I found myself in and out of psych hospitals, largely due to suicidal thoughts. September 2010 was the last time I was admitted and thankfully I have found better ways to cope with the suicidal thoughts that I still struggle with on occasion.
Roughly a month after my sixteenth birthday things seemed to go from bad to worse. I was miserable at home, working at my first job and barely starting my junior year of high school (which to this day I still think is the hardest year from K-12). One evening my brother came to pick up after work and we got into a stupid argument and I managed to sneak off and started walking home. I was angry and needed to cool off so I didn’t go straight home and when I stopped at the police station to call my mother to let her know where I was at, that I was safe and headed that way I heard the call come in over the radio that I had been reported as a runaway. Things escalated quickly from there and by the end of the night I had been arrested for assaulting a police officer and sent to the Children’s Shelter (thankfully in lieu of YDC). Less than a week later I was admitted to the state psychiatric hospital where I spent close to a month.
That was the first time I was hospitalized but not the last. Over the next 16 years I found myself in and out of psych hospitals, largely due to suicidal thoughts. September 2010 was the last time I was admitted and thankfully I have found better ways to cope with the suicidal thoughts that I still struggle with on occasion.
During the four-month period after the last suicide attempt I continue to struggle and times it was difficult to find a reason to stay here. I had a support system in place that helped me through the worst of it, but I had a hard time believing that things would improve. Adopting Max made a huge difference because he gave my life a purpose and reason to stick around. We moved back to Georgia shortly after Thanksgiving 2011 to be closer to family which hasn’t always been easy but don’t regret the decision to do so.
In 2014, I found the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network and started to learn more about mental health recovery. When I was living in Colorado they had “Certified Peer Specialists” but it wasn’t until I moved home that I saw the value in what that actually meant, especially since Georgia is where the idea was first introduced. At the beginning of the year I had people encouraging me to consider going to GPSI and to apply for CPS training, but I was hesitant and didn’t think I was cut out for it. But by October I had decided to go for it and applied for the fall GPSI training and the last CPS training of year (and was accepted to both) in spite of knowing I would have limited mobility due to ankle surgery which turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.
In 2014, I found the Georgia Mental Health Consumer Network and started to learn more about mental health recovery. When I was living in Colorado they had “Certified Peer Specialists” but it wasn’t until I moved home that I saw the value in what that actually meant, especially since Georgia is where the idea was first introduced. At the beginning of the year I had people encouraging me to consider going to GPSI and to apply for CPS training, but I was hesitant and didn’t think I was cut out for it. But by October I had decided to go for it and applied for the fall GPSI training and the last CPS training of year (and was accepted to both) in spite of knowing I would have limited mobility due to ankle surgery which turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.
That was four and a half years ago, and things have changed immensely since then but that was the true catalyst of change. Learning what a Certified Peer Specialist is and finding out that I could use my past experiences as a way to support others provided me with a new focus and purpose in life. The next big change, which truthfully has had a bigger impact was when I decided to join Toastmasters in March 2016. Granted it took a little over a year before I started to sink my teeth into the program but I’ve grown more than I ever thought possible as a result.
I have learned how to be better communicate with people, not only in front of a large group but also one-on-one conversations with people. I’ve developed leadership skills that have always been there but never embraced because I didn’t think I was worthy. And I’ve learned more about myself and how I can use my story to not only encourage others with a similar background or challenges, but also to help educate others about the reality of living with a mental illness and Asperger’s.
I have learned how to be better communicate with people, not only in front of a large group but also one-on-one conversations with people. I’ve developed leadership skills that have always been there but never embraced because I didn’t think I was worthy. And I’ve learned more about myself and how I can use my story to not only encourage others with a similar background or challenges, but also to help educate others about the reality of living with a mental illness and Asperger’s.
Toastmasters has provided me with a supportive learning environment where I can continue to grow and improve both as public speaker and a leader. Max continues to provide me with a purpose when the darkness starts to cloud my judgement and brings the suicidal thoughts with it. And both provide with the strength and courage to continue working toward my journey of becoming a paid public speaker in the mental health recovery and suicide prevention arena.
I’d like to leave you today with two simple pieces of advice:
1.) 1. Don’t be afraid to feel the hard stuff. It’s important to honor those feelings but not to let the overcome you.
2.) Meet people where they’re at, not where you think they should be. And understand that recovery is possible, heck I’m living proof of that.
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