The Green Phoenix

Imagine for a moment that you are in a dark room where it is pitch black and there is no light source in sight.  The darkness has completely enveloped you and over time you learn to adapt to the lack of light.  It’s not a “comfortable” or “happy” existence but it’s your reality and what you’ve come to expect.  Hold that image in your head.

Now imagine what would happen if you were suddenly exposed to light and told that it’s better for you. That you need to embrace it. People don’t understand why you don’t want to be in that light and try to force it upon without understanding that it causes you pain. 

This is what happens when people who simply don’t understand that their well-intentioned words and/or actions can cause harm.  They see someone who is hurting and struggling, and they want to help so they attempt to force “positivity” on them instead of taking the time to talk with them. They don’t realize that it is not as simple as just thinking happy thoughts or being positive.

The way we view ourselves is based on our lived experiences.  These experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  They help us define who we are and over time we have learned to protect these beliefs because they are part of our identity.  As a result, the messages we received from others are filtered through these beliefs.  Bombarding someone with you believe to positive messages often times causes more harm.

Over time my perception of myself has changed, but it wasn’t because of the positive messages from others. Instead it was through learning how to change my thoughts.  No one could do it for me but there were those who provided me with the support and tools as I learned how to change my thoughts.  As my confidence grew and I started to recognize my strengths I was able to start processing the positive messages I was receiving from others which helped to reinforce the positive self-image I was slowly starting to develop.

The problems arise when others tried to force the changes, and occasionally still do, because they don’t understand that what they perceive to be positive messages are not being filtered that way.  Especially during the times when I’ve struggling with the old tapes playing in my head.  When we try to force our beliefs on others we are create a toxic environment and our message gets lost.

All too often I have found that when I have tried to share my perceptions and/or beliefs about a situation that contradicted with another person their response has typically been either to “let it go” or that I needed to “get over it.” The problem with these seemingly well-meaning phrases is that are in fact not.  Instead the result is a feeling of being dismissed, that my view is invalid and that I’m wrong for feeling the way that I do.  In spite of the fact I have worked hard to alter my self-image the old filters are still there. 

The newer filters the make it possible for the positive messages to be received, but they didn’t replace the older filters.  And that is where the danger of forced/toxic positivity comes from.