The Green Phoenix

When I initially started this blog my goal was to publish at least 3 days a week but after within a couple of months I started to realize that was a daunting task.  By the middle of August when my schedule started to get a bit more chaotic it ended up on the back burner and as a result I didn't post anything for a little over a month.  When I started it back up my goal was to post at least once a week but life once again got in the way and as result there was another month long gap between posts.  Since then I've been able to maintain the minimum of 1/week schedule but tonight I wanted to throw in a "bonus" post for the week.

The reason is simple: 

The last few months I have been struggling with some physical and mental health issues. While I still believe that it's 99% all in my head others around me aren't as convinced and as a result have been helping me to try and get things figured out.  It's been an adventure, especially dealing with the insurance but hopefully we will have some answers soon (even if it does turn out to be all in my head).

This past few weeks have been more challenging than I want to admit and want to document it because it's part of what living in recovery is.  

Not entirely sure where to start or how much detail I should include so here it goes:

September 3- Driving home from Dragon Con and was having trouble staying awake so I pulled over  at a local coffee shop (which is also where my pastor's office is).  Was having a really hard time staying conscious so ended up passing out in my car for a couple of hours but don't really have much memory of what happened.

September 10- "Fighting the Darkness" event.  From the feedback I've gotten it went really well but most of the night is a complete blur. After the event was over kind of had a mental crash and once again don't remember most of what happened.  

October 1- Things started to rapidly spiral downwards.  Don't remember a lot of the details of that night but do know that was when the suicidal thoughts started to come back in full force. Thankfully I was able to reach out to someone for help and they helped me get through the worst of it.

October 21- Finally broke down and went to see a dentist for the first time in over 12 years because of massive toothache.  Turns out the tooth that had been broke for over 2 years had developed an abscess which was what causing the pain.  Prescribed a week of antibiotics and then scheduled an appointment to get it pulled along with on my lower wisdom teeth (which also has a massive hole it)

October 29- Even though I seriously debated on cancelling the appointment multiple times I didn't. Unfortunately once I got there my anxiety level was super high and with the added complication of the roots being close to the nerves the dentist decided to refer me to an oral surgeon.  Was able to get an appointment the same day which to be honest proved to be an even bigger disaster.  Sat in their waiting room for over an hour past the scheduled time and was just about to leave when I was called back.  Then got to sit in the room by myself for another 30 minutes waiting for the doctor to come, who was less than friendly about the situation.  Was supposed to have them removed on Nov. 1, but unfortunately I couldn't afford the $900 co-pay.  Called the first dentist's office and rescheduled the appointment there for November 12.

November 5- Received notification from the insurance company that the dentist isn't covered, which was beyond frustrating because I had asked prior to the first appointment.  Had a meeting to get some help scheduling some blood tests to hopefully get some answers about the other physical stuff, which we were able to do. For reasons I can't really explain decided to reach out to a former therapist to find out if it would be possible to go back to her.  I was in weird headspace, especially due to having to cancel the appointment on the 12th and still not sure how to get the tooth issue resolved and had a minor meltdown in front of her.  She understandably became concerned and told me that if I couldn't verbalize that I was going to be safe she would have to call the police. Thankfully I was able to do so and left without further incident. Later that evening, however, the downward spiral continued.  The urge to cut started to become overwhelming so I decided to reach out for help and called the local crisis hotline.  Yeah, that wasn't a great idea and they ended up sending the police out as a result.  Thankfully, one of the officers was understanding and willing to talk with me.  Eventually I agreed to let them call my pastor who was amazing enough to come out so that I could avoid a trip to the hospital.   I didn't make it home that night which caused further issues at home, but yeah such is life.

November 7- Go to the appointment for the lab work but when I get there told that the list I was given by the doctor isn't acceptable.  Even though I knew there was a good chance that was going to be the case it still pushed me over the edge.  I got upset and ended up having a minor meltdown as result. I called the person helping me with it and we were able to get the doctor to send over the orders.  I was able to go back as a walk-in and get it done. The most frustrating part was that there was no reason for it and yet I couldn't seem to stop myself. It was like I was watching it happen to someone else because it didn't feel like me and yet there I was, sitting in my car balling uncontrollably.

November 8- Which brings us to today.  Once again I've found myself in a weird headspace and fighting the urge to cut even though I don't really want to fall back into old patterns. Earlier this evening I decided to tackle the self-destructive mood I was in by hiking Kennesaw Mountain. I drove to the top and then got out and hiked for a couple of hours. To be honest I would have stayed out longer if it weren't for the fact that gate closed at 6:30 p.m.  It was a cold and windy but still managed to work up a little bit of sweat. Granted I left my water bottle and inhaler in my car before I started hiking but I survived so I guess that's what matters most. 

Now sitting here at Starbucks because I don't want to go home and once again finding myself fighting the urge to cut.  That's why I decided to get all of this out.  I don't know if it will do any good but needed to get out of my head.  And who knows, maybe someone will read this and start realize they're not alone in the way that the feel.  I've said it before and I'll keep saying it because it's true: Recovery isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  Some days it fighting through the rough spots and praying to make it through the day. Today happens to be one of those days and I guess that's ok even though it seriously bites.

In a feeble attempt to leave things on a slightly more positive note though here are some of the photos I took with my phone while I was out hiking Kennesaw Mountain: