The Beast Within

On June 13, 2010, I attempted suicide after losing my pup T-Bone who was only a week shy of 19 months old.  Months not years, he never even made it to his second birthday.  Losing him almost destroyed me and over the course of the next four months I was in and out of the local psychiatric hospital as I tried to come to terms with my grief of losing him along with the guilt I felt about it because for a long time afterwards I felt responsible for his death.  In truth, I did everything I could for him but unfortunately in the end there was nothing to be done.

While in the hospital the second time in as many months I was struggling with the anger and guilt I was feeling at the time.  I attempted to explain how I was feeling to the staff but wasn't able to truly explain it to them in a way that they understood.  One night I decided to attempt to write it out, something I had done frequently as a teenager and the following poem was what I wrote:

"The Beast Within"

Anger flowing through me like a river of rage coursing in my veins

Trying so hard to control and conceal the pain

Destruction and violence plague my thoughts

The images overpowering and I feel so lost

The Beast has awoken and rattles against his cage

Fighting for control over the rage

Looking around at all the pain I’ve caused

He sits inside sharpening his claws ready to strike without a moment of pause

Anger flowing through me like a river of rage coursing through my veins

Trying so hard to control and conceal the pain

Unsure of what I’m feeling leading to the sea of confusion

Leading down the path of delusions

Need a way to tame the Beast

Or find a way to regain the control at least

His will is strong, but mine is stronger

Just need to hold out a little longer

The river is slowing to a trickle of frustration

Need to remain focused with my wavering concentration

The Beast is losing his hold

And finally I’m starting to regain control