The Beast

Living in recovery is not always easy.  There are days when I am ready to throw in the towel and say the hell with it. There have been times when it felt like I would never be good enough. When the self-doubt creeps and I find myself thinking that it doesn’t matter how hard I work, I will always fall short of my goals. Those are the days I dread, especially when the old tapes start playing in a loop in my head, the darkness returns and The Beast starts to regain control.

The Beast doesn’t like to play fair. It covers everything in a darkness and is constant source of negativity.  It whispers in your ear doing its best to destroy you and keep you isolated:

You’ll never amount to anything so why bother trying?

 Stop being such a big baby, just grow up already. 

No one wants to deal with you when you’re acting like this

Your friends and family would be happier if you weren’t around.

You’re such a LOSER… FREAK… PSYCHO…

The Beast wants you to give up because it feeds off of your loneliness and despair.

 

Some refer to The Beast as “negative self-talk” but to me its stronger than that.  There are skills I’ve learned over the years to combat the “negative self-talk” but The Beast appears when my defenses are gone, and it feels next to impossible to fight it especially because my typical coping strategies don’t work and I find myself falling back into old patterns.  Including returning to cutting and struggling with suicidal thoughts.  It’s not a fun place to be but thankfully over the years I’ve found ways to fight it off and push past it.