The Green Phoenix

 How are you doing today? 

This seemingly meaningless question may not seem like a big deal to some people, but I fear it.  In part because I’ve never sure whether people actually want to know the answer or if they are simply asking because it’s a standard greeting.  And honestly, not sure which is harder to answer.

I have been taught that the polite thing to say is “I’m good” or some other variation because in general the person asking doesn’t really expect an answer or want to know how you’re really feeling in the moment.

The question is harder to deal with because the answer is the same regardless, “I don’t know” which seems to confuse and frustrate the other person more often than not.  But it’s the truth, and to me that’s what’s important. I value honesty and integrity so answering with a simply “I’m fine” or something similar when I’m not feels wrong.

How often do you find yourself wearing masks as a way to hide your true self for a variety for reasons, including fear of judgement, shame, etc.  

A few years ago, I learned how to create a mask using plaster sheets which provided another medium for me to communicate my thoughts feelings with the world. The goal of creating the masks is to illustrate the “monsters” created by the stigma associated with mental illness.  Here are few examples:

I Found My Voice Through Art
This was the first of a series of masks I've started creating as a way to illustrate the different thoughts and feelings  through art.  More than once when I was a in weird headspace I've pulled out the plaster gauze sheets and molded them on my face in part so that I could get the release I needed.  This was the first one I created as part of the series.

Unbroken

For a long time, I felt like I was broken inside and if I'm being honest there are times I still do. But this is a representation of what recovery mean to me. Putting all the pieces back together and accepting the cracks. While it may not be noticeable, the mask was cut apart, glued back together and stitched with green thread 

(the color for mental health recovery) 

Entropy

The degree of disorder or randomness in the system.The lack of order or predictability; a gradual decline into disorder.  The origin of word is from the mid 19th cent.: from en-2 ‘inside’ + Greek tropē ‘transformation.’ This mask was created when I was in my own state of entropy and struggling to deal with the chaos and desperately seeking some since of order in my life.  And it is also a representation of my own “internal transformation” as I found myself leaving my comfort zone behind and continuing to grow in my recovery.  It also serves to illustrate the third definition of entropy: (in information theory) a logarithmic measure of the rate of transfer of information in a particular message or language.  Or to put it another way, it’s an example of how I found my voice through art.

Equanimity

Defined as a mental calmness, composure and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

This mask was created the day after I created “Entropy” and with it came an interesting realization.  Looking at the two side by side it was easy for me to recognize the differences not only in the masks themselves but also the state of mind in which they were created. “Equanimity” was created after I found a small sense of order and released some of the tension caused the chaos I was experiencing the day before.  I felt a sense of serenity and peace as I sculpted the plaster gauze around my face. I could focus and pay closer attention to the details which created a more symmetrical piece.  

I took my time with the paint job and didn’t feel the same sense of urgency to complete the mask like I had with some of the others. That sense of calmness and peace of mind allowed me to add an extra special detail to it as well, the subtle paw print on the right side. Art has not only helped me to find ways to explain how I feel to others; it has also helped me learn how to express some of the emotions that I don’t understand in a way that make sense.

Enigmatic

Defined as resembling an enigma, or a puzzling occurrence, situation, statement, person, etc. Perplexing or mysterious. When I was in high school one of my favorite teachers once told me, “While some people march to the beat of a different drummer, you march to the beat of the trumpet.” I have always felt like that was a great description and this mask is a representation of that.  It was created to help show the confusion of what I have been feeling because I haven’t been able to find the words to describe it.  I don’t understand emotions and have a hard time identifying them but I discovered when I was younger that through art I could attempt to show people instead of just trying to tell them.