The Maze

During the four month period following the suicide attempt after losing T-Bone back in 2010, I was hospitalized a total of four times.  The first time was immediately after being discharged from the ICU, where I spent 2 days on a ventilator and from what I was told they weren't entirely sure I still had brain function.  The reality is I was released too soon, and while my team of advocates recognized that I didn't and sadly neither did the staff at the pysch unit where I was hospitalized.  But I was compliant with their treatment plan and did as I was told, in large part because I simply wanted to get the heck out of there and start piecing my life together.

The second hospitalization, in large part because it was a relatively short stay and the main reason I was admitted was due to a severe lack of sleep.  By the time I had was admitted it had been close to 48 hours straight with NO SLEEP.   The true irony that visit was that I had fight with them to try medication again after refusing before.  I was tired of fighting and wanted to believe that medication would help fight the feelings I was having and help me find a way to live my life again.

The third visit to the psych unit roughly two and a half months after the attempt.  Part of the issue with the frequent and repetitive psych holds was that the staff were starting to feel like I was simply playing games with them and looking for attention.  The reality was I was struggling to return to my normal life and dealing with all of the grief and anger from losing my sweet baby boy (who was very much like my furry son and not "just a dog" as they often referred to him).

The truth is I don't completely recall the events that led to the third hospitalization, I do know that it was in part due to issues with the medication I was on at the time and I once again found myself under a 72-hour hold due to suicidal thoughts.  Unlike the first hospitalization where the staff had some sense of empathy for what I was feeling, this time there was a aura of resentment on both sides.  I did not want to locked up, yet again, especially as it was causing a strain with my job.  It wasn't that I wanted to necessarily die, but at the same time I was struggling find a reason to live.  At the end of the 72 hour period I was given the choice of signing myself in voluntarily or facing them simply extending the hold which would allow them to keep me involuntarily for up to 90 days. I knew that going home was not a safe option, so inspire of the intense desire to go home I agreed to stay voluntarily which would prove to be both a blessing and a curse.

A week later, the staff and I were working together to start plans for my discharge.  They asked me if I was ready there was a part of me that knew I really wasn't.  But I wanted out of there.  I truly wanted to believe that I was in fact ready to leave.  Similar to the previous month I decided to write out what I was feeling and share it with the staff because I wasn't sure how else to let them in:

"The Maze"

Lost and confused trying to find my way through this maze

 Searching for the hope that seems all the craze

My mind is so jumbled and entangled

At times it feels like I’m being strangled

Strangled by my fears

As I fight to hold back the tears

I don’t want to die

But at times it’s just too hard to stay alive

 Yet I still continue to strive in my search for hope

Looking everywhere for new ways to cope

My world was shattered the day you went away

And I miss you more and more each and every day

 You were my one and only, the reason I could breathe

And I all I want now is for this pain to ease

They say what I’m thinking is the coward’s choice

But right now, it feels like I’ve lost my voice

Strangled by the pain inside me

Trampled by all the crap from my history

You gave my life purpose and direction

And I miss all your love, kindness and unending affection

Looking around, I can see the way things should have been

But this is done and without you the future feels so wrong

Looking for something, I don’t know what

Doing my best to pull out of this rut

Wading through the seas of anger and confusion

Trying so hard to find a solution

Hard to imagine my future without you in it

When life feels so empty while I’m stuck in this pit

Tired of fighting a losing battle in my head

Walking through life in a suit of lead

The pain, anger and frustration weighing me down

Looking for a way out before I drown

But all I’m seeing right now is the pain I’ve caused

From the anger I’ve spewed without taking pause

To consider all the ones I loved and cared about

Before I started to scream and shout

Pushed people away when I needed them to stay

To stubborn or stupid to realize they could help me find the way

Don’t understand why I put so much resistance

When really what I seek is some assistance

I know there are those who want to help me out of this mess

So maybe it’s time to confess

I can’t do this alone no matter how hard I’ve tried

But I’m afraid to let my guard down and allow myself to cry and finally say goodbye

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