Words Matter

Words matter.  They can be used to build a person up or tear them down.  There are some words and phrases that appear to be positive and supportive but in fact are more harmful because they are often used by those who think they hare being helpful.  Some of these phrases include: “Stop being so negative, just be happy.” or “You’ll get it over it.” And a personal favorite of mine, “Let it go.”

Recently I disclosed to a friend of mine that I’m avoid eating in front of others I don’t because I’m very self-consciousness about it, especially after being teased and made fun of in the past for my “weird” eating habits.  The response I received was to “get over it” which at the time made me mad and I my response was something along lines of “grow taller”.  Now I don’t believe she meant any harm with her statement and thought she was being supportive.  But the reality is that her reaction hurt and caused the old tapes to start replaying in my head.  Including the taunts and what others saw as “good natured” teasing that are in large part why I’m very self-consciousness about eating in front of others, especially those I don’t completely trust not to make comments about it. 

That exchange led to questioning the way we treat one another, especially the people in our lives that we care about.  Whether it’s our family, our friends, or even just co-workers and acquaintances I believe it is time we start communicating and treating one another with compassion.

Telling someone to “Stop being so negative” doesn’t help.  The reality is that life isn’t always sunshine and puppies and that’s ok. It’s important to honor the feelings you have in moment.  To be able to feel the pain, anger, etc. without being judged for it.  For those who are struggling the constant expectation to be “positive” all the time often has the opposite effect, leaving them feeling they’re doing something wrong.  In the past when people told me that being happy was a choice it left me feeling like there was something wrong with me.  I didn’t want to feel angry, lonely, depressed, etc. but there were people I trusted and cared about telling me it was my fault I felt that way.  That I simply made the choice to think happy thoughts everything would be ok, but it was never enough.

What if instead of telling someone to “Just be happy” you were to just sit there with them and ask them how you can best support them.  Even if in that moment they are unsure of how you can help, a lot time the simple act of knowing someone cares enough to be there can make a world of difference.  

Next time someone comes to you because they are struggling with a problem or situation instead of telling them to “Let it go” or that they need to “Get over it” let them vent and acknowledge their right to feel however they feel about a situation. The offer to sit down with them and help them problem solve to find a solution to the problem instead.  The key is not to discount how others feel about a situation merely because you don’t feel the same way.  And above all learn how to treat people with compassion and understanding.