There have times in my life when I thought I understood what true confidence felt like. But then I’d be faced with a new obstacle only to have that feeling complete wash away. I have found myself here yet again. Questioning everything I thought I knew. Feeling so completely lost, confused and scared. There is part of me that feels like I will never be good enough. That believes no matter how hard I work I will always come up short of my goal. The thing that hurts the most right now, right now in this very moment, is questioning whether I'm doing enough, working hard enough to achieve my goals. The problem is I don’t know how to do more than I'm already doing. But still the questions linger: Did I not reach out soon enough for help? Why can’t I be better building connections? What am I doing wrong? What does true confidence feel like? I wish I knew what it felt to truly believe that: I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am worth enough just the way I am.
One of the hardest parts of feeling like this that I have no clue how to explain what it is, right now right now in this very moment. There's a tension that has ahold of me, and the edges of the darkness is slowly starting to creep back in. Self-doubt and the feelings of complete and total inadequacy. The fear not just that I am going to fail, but that I people will realize I’m a fraud.
Trying to understand how to survive in this sea of darkness and chaos. Consumed by anger and pain. Confused by the times in my life when I thought I understood what confidence was, only to have something happen and it all erodes away.
I am back there now. Questioning everything I thought I knew. Feeling so completely lost. confused and scared. Wondering why I will never be good enough. Why it doesn't matter how hard I work, I will always come up short of achieving my goals. I wish there was a way to show people the thoughts inside my head. To let them see the images playing in a loop showing me all the mistakes and the silent voice whispering that it’s time to throw in the towel to finally accept defeat. I have to believe that one day this will all make sense, but it doesn’t right now.
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