Breaking Point

On June 13, 2010, my world fell apart.  It was a Sunday morning. That fateful morning, I got the phone call that would change the course of my life forever, my sweet, lovable pup, Tiberius Bones (T-Bone for short) had passed away during the night. 

Even now, nine years later, I clearly remember laying on the couch the night before watching TV and praying for peace and sleep when out of nowhere, the song lyrics, “How will I live without you/ How will I breathe without you” started to play on a loop in my head.  I can’t explain it, but at that moment I knew he was gone, and I was hit with an overwhelming since of loss.  It scared me and I tried to reach for help.  I got in my car and drove to the local mental health crisis center.  When I got there, I had trouble finding the right words and couldn’t speak.  The first gentleman who came out seemed to sense something was off and wanted to help. Sadly, his co-worker, who I had difficult history with, came out a few minutes later and told me to go home, we don’t have time for your game tonight.  I did as I was told and drove myself home, crawled into bed and eventually fell asleep.

The next morning the phone rang, and my worst fears were confirmed. He was truly gone, and an unbearable pain washed over me. I went to the vet’s office where I said my final good byes and begged for his forgiveness.  And at the time I felt responsible for his death. He was my first dog. The first dog that was truly mine and no else held claim to him. At a week shy of 19 months old he was still a baby who never see his second birthday. As I sat there clutching on to his lifeless body I cried. I cried until there was nothing left but an empty shell and an eerie calm feeling took over. I knew what I needed to do, the only way to I could come to terms with his death was through my own. 

It was short drive back to my apartment, but I took my time getting there. I needed to process what had happened and let others know he had passed.  I called an left a few voicemails, telling people good bye without actually saying the words.  I wanted to leave people with closure, to make sure they understand what had happened. When I got home, I swallowed a bottle of pills and chased it down with the random can of beer that was in my refrigerator. I didn’t want to die but I needed the pain to end. 

At the time I saw on other way for that to happen, especially after reaching out for help the night before only to be turned away. I didn’t want to leave a mess behind for others to clean up so my plan was to drive the short distance down the river trail where the two of us often hiked together.

Instead I found myself driving to PetSmart.  There was one person I still need to talk to, the manager, who was a friend and loved T-Bone almost as much as I did.  I wanted to let her know what had happened.  

When I got there, I handed her my wallet and keys, asking her to clear out my apartment so my family wouldn’t have to take care of it later. Or at least, that’s what I thought I had said.  I found out later that she noticed something was wrong and called 9-1-1 before coming out to talk with me.  It was the simple act that saved my life. 

I have no real memory of what happened after that.  I spent the next two days in the ICU, a majority of the time on a ventilator to help me breathe.  I was told later by people who were there that they did an EEG to confirm I still had brain activity. I was lucky.  I not only survived the attempt, but also survived with no known lasting effects from it.

In some ways it was impulsive act. But here’s the thing I don’t think most people realize: it wasn’t just losing T-Bone that led to the attempt. It was a lot of things that had built up over time, until finally I reached my breaking point: losing him.  

Over the last few years I’ve found ways to share my story with others.  It hasn’t always been easy, and often times it’s felt like people didn’t want to hear it.  But I will continue to share my story because I want people to have a better understanding of what it’s like.  The truth is unless you’ve been there you can’t really understand.  And I hope no one who reads this does or ever will completely understand what it feels like to be there.  Standing on the precipice between life and death and actively seeking ways to cross that barrier against every natural instinct to stay alive.  It’s scary place to be and hurts beyond words. And one of the absolute hardest things to do in that moment is to reach out for help.

Now the last few years, especially after the deaths of those like Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain people are starting to slowly understand that it’s not a coward’s way out. Instead they are posting meme’s and thing similar to this on various social media outlets: 

My door is always open. My house is safe. Coffee can be on in minutes, and a dining room table is a place of peace and non-judgment. Anyone who needs to chat is welcome anytime. It's no good suffering in silence. I have food in the fridge, coffee and tea in the cabinet, listening ears, and a shoulder to cry on. I will always be available...you are always welcome!!
You are never really alone.

*DISCLAIMER*: come as you are... pajamas, ball gowns, tuxedos, flip-flops, etc.

Please copy and repost if you are moved to do so. You may not know who of your friends needs to know someone is listening ❤
#SuicideAwareness
1-800-273-8255

On the surface, this is looks like a great idea.  But I question how many people truly believe this and would be willing to be there for others at all hours of the day and night.  More to the point, we need to start reaching out to those we care about and checking in with them instead of taking a passive approach and waiting for them to reach out for help.  Especially because they might be asking already but people aren’t able to recognize it.  I did. I reached out for help but was turned away.  Thankfully, the second time I reached out without even realizing I was doing so they understood and I’m still here.  But I was lucky.  Unfortunately that’s true for everyone.

If you're reading this and need help please don't be afraid to ask.  And keep asking until you find someone who will listen.  

If you're reading this know someone who is struggling, please don't wait for them to reach out.  Be proactive and check on them.  Especially the strong people in your life and let them know you're there if they need someone.