The Green Phoenix

Have you ever found yourself on an emotional roller coaster where you find yourself swinging from one extreme to another with little to no warning?  Going from being relatively ok one minute to fighting back tears and feelings of complete hopeless the next.  Or suddenly finding yourself filled with an uncontrollable rage for no apparent reason.  That has been my life for the last few weeks.  The hardest part of it all is that I don't understand why it's happening.  I watch myself doing and saying things that make no sense and feeling like watching someone else.

One of the most difficult things right now is feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle most days.  I know this isn't who I am and yet it is.  I am working hard to find some sense of peace in mist of the unending chaos.

I'm working hard to rely on various coping skills I've learned over the years to get through the day but they don't always work.  I've also been focusing and studying the Bible, which isn't an entirely new thing but at the same time it is.  See I have a strange relationship with God in large part because of the way I was raised.  My mother is devout (somewhat overzealous Christian) whereas my father is somewhere between an agnostic and atheist (not really sure which most days).  Unfortunately there have been several incidents in my past that have tarnished my view and understanding of Christianity and the Bible, but thankfully I have two amazing pastors who are willing to work with me and help me sift through the things I have been taught in the past to better understand who God really is.

Reading the Bible has been one of the few things that has helped me find something that resembles peace.  Talking to God and studying His word has been helping to quiet the suicidal thoughts and urges to start cutting again.  It's still a struggle because some of much it still doesn't make sense and at times it's hard not to get discouraged because as much as I want I'm still having trouble with simply letting go and simply trusting God.  But like the other coping skills I've developed over the years, even that isn't 100% fool proof and the thoughts don't go away; they are still there and so I'm trying to stay focused on Him and figure out how to truly trust Him.