Fear is a 4-letter word

Fear, something most people tend to shy away from and avoid at all costs.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines fear as, “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger” so it would make sense that people would want to avoid it.  But fear is an essential part of life.  It’s what keeps us from doing things that could cause serious physical harm.   But fear can also limit us and prevent us from venturing outside of our known comfort zone due the perceived danger not of physical injury but of emotional and mental harm.

 Four and a half years ago when I was in training to become a Certified Peer Specialist, I was asked would I do if I were simply not afraid.  The strange is that my answer really hasn’t changed much since then… I would be more social.  Now a lot has changed since then and I’ve slowly become more comfortable around people, but the truth is I still let that fear hold me back.  But I still wish I could past the initial awkwardness I feel in social situations because it would be nice to be able to just hang out with people outside of the Toastmasters safety net.

The first step toward making any type of change in your life is to identify the benefits you’re currently gaining from staying where you are.  Even though our comfort zone may not in fact be “comfortable” it is what’s known and there are reasons we struggle pushing ourselves outside of it. When we are honest with ourselves about what we’re getting out of our current circumstances it makes it easier to identify what we have to lose by giving it up. When I first completed this exercise the biggest benefit I had was spending time with Max, which to be honest hasn’t changed. But one of the greatest changes that has occurred is that I’ve learned how to better manage the panic and fear of being crowds that used to plague me.  Granted there are still times that I struggle with it but through my years of volunteering at Dragon Con and continuing growth through Toastmasters I’ve learned how to better cope.  Largely because I’ve found people in both organizations that have become like a second family to me, especially through Dragon Con.

Once you’ve identified the benefits of staying in your comfort zone the next step is determine what the costs of doing so are.  Thankfully through Toastmasters one of the biggest costs has been overcome.  I joined Toastmasters in March 2016, and over the last three years I’ve started to develop a sense of self-worth and with-it self-confidence. It’s also helped me to overcome my paralyzing fear of public speaking and develop better interpersonal communication skills. But of the greatest costs of staying in my comfort zone is the loneliness of my current existence.  I have friends, or at least that’s what the people I spend time with tell me, but still lack a sense of belonging 99% of the time and still find it hard to connect with people.  

Now that we understand both the costs and benefits of our comfort zone it’s time to examine what how our lives could improve if we are able to push past our fears.  For me, the greatest benefit of becoming more social would be creating a larger network that I could then draw on to help establish new connections.  One of the biggest drawbacks to my current situation is not having a network of people to reach out to help pursue my goal of becoming a professional speaker in the mental health recovery and suicide prevention arena.  And toward eventually opening a studio/gallery for peers to be able to share and potentially sell their work in an effort to irradiate the stigma associated with mental illness and suicide while at the same time educating the general public about the reality of mental health recovery.

Looking back at the initial worksheet I filled out four and a half years ago I can see that I’ve already started to work past the limiting fears.  I have learned how to speak up more even become more social than I was. There are still occasions when I fear being belittled or discounted for my beliefs: when I feel my heart racing, my limbs feel shaky and all I want to do is throw up or I have trouble finding the right words and my speech stutters.  It’s during those times when the old tapes start playing in my head telling me that people aren’t going to hear want to hear what I’m saying; my confidence starts to waver, and I question whether I can do it. 

The difference is now I’ve learned how to better cope with those feelings, and I remind myself that I am strong enough, tough enough and worth the effort to keep pushing through. I have accomplished more than I ever imagined possible and now have a strong support team who believe in me and what I aim to do. I know that when I put my mind to something I will find a way to make it happen.  One of the greatest things I learned during CPS training is, “There is no growth in the comfort zone and there is no comfort in the growth zone.”  Change is not easy, and often times the “growing pains” are difficult to deal with but it’s worth it in the end.