Unbroken

For a long time, I felt like I was broken inside and if I'm being honest there are times I still do. But this is a representation of what recovery mean to me. Putting all the pieces back together and accepting the cracks.

While it may not be noticeable, the mask was cut apart, glued back together and stitched with green thread (the color for mental health recovery and the only pre-planned color choice in the piece.)

Understanding recovery can be difficult. According to the Oxford Dictionary recovery is defined as:

1.    a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength

2.    the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost

During Certified Peer Specialist training recovery was defined as: the process of gaining control over one’s life – and the direction one wants that life to go – on the other side of a psychiatric diagnosis and all of the losses associated with that diagnosis

We hide behind masks to protect ourselves from the judgements of others. We work hard to put on a brave face, so people don’t see the truth behind the facade.  Especially in our society where people seem to equate anything less that happiness as a crime.  When we are brave enough to let our guard down and show people the truth of who we are the accuse of playing games with them or tell us to stop being so negative.  We are surrounded by those who belittle us for simply being our true and authentic selves because they are too afraid to let others see they are hurting too.

Words Matter

Words matter.  They can be used to build a person up or tear them down.  There are some words and phrases that appear to be positive and supportive but in fact are more harmful because they are often used by those who think they hare being helpful.  Some of these phrases include: “Stop being so negative, just be happy.” or “You’ll get it over it.” And a personal favorite of mine, “Let it go.”

Imagine for a moment that you are in a dark room where it is pitch black and there is no light source in sight.  The darkness has completely enveloped you and over time you learn to adapt to the lack of light.  It’s not a “comfortable” or “happy” existence but it’s your reality and what you’ve come to expect.  Hold that image in your head.

Now imagine what would happen if you were suddenly exposed to light and told that it’s better for you. That you need to embrace it. People don’t understand why you don’t want to be in that light and try to force it upon without understanding that it causes you pain. 

This is what happens when people who simply don’t understand that their well-intentioned words and/or actions can cause harm.  They see someone who is hurting and struggling, and they want to help so they attempt to force “positivity” on them instead of taking the time to talk with them. They don’t realize that it is not as simple as just thinking happy thoughts or being positive.

The way we view ourselves is based on our lived experiences.  These experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  They help us define who we are and over time we have learned to protect these beliefs because they are part of our identity.  As a result, the messages we received from others are filtered through these beliefs.  Bombarding someone with you believe to positive messages often times causes more harm.

Over time my perception of myself has changed, but it wasn’t because of the positive messages from others. Instead it was through learning how to change my thoughts.  No one could do it for me but there were those who provided me with the support and tools as I learned how to change my thoughts.  As my confidence grew and I started to recognize my strengths I was able to start processing the positive messages I was receiving from others which helped to reinforce the positive self-image I was slowly starting to develop.

The problems arise when others tried to force the changes, and occasionally still do, because they don’t understand that what they perceive to be positive messages are not being filtered that way.  Especially during the times when I’ve struggling with the old tapes playing in my head.  When we try to force our beliefs on others we are create a toxic environment and our message gets lost.

All too often I have found that when I have tried to share my perceptions and/or beliefs about a situation that contradicted with another person their response has typically been either to “let it go” or that I needed to “get over it.” The problem with these seemingly well-meaning phrases is that are in fact not.  Instead the result is a feeling of being dismissed, that my view is invalid and that I’m wrong for feeling the way that I do.  In spite of the fact I have worked hard to alter my self-image the old filters are still there. 

The newer filters the make it possible for the positive messages to be received, but they didn’t replace the older filters.  And that is where the danger of forced/toxic positivity comes from.

How we perceive life and ourselves is based on our own lived experiences.  From these experiences we develop our beliefs, about ourselves and the world around us.  Over time we have learned to protect our beliefs and when others try to alter them we resist because they are what define us.  In order to change we have to learn to challenge our beliefs, whether about the world around us or how we see ourselves.  Change is difficult and it can be hard to step outside of our comfort zone. But true growth comes from change.

Capturing Your Story

Long before I was comfortable speaking I learned to use art as a way to communicate with the world.  The camera provided me with a way to share my story with others without having to find the right words to describe what I was thinking or feeling. Photography offered a buffer from the world and a safe way to express myself. 

Messages of Hope revived

Hope is a powerful thing.  It can provide with that one small thing to hold on to when it feels like your world is crumbling all around you.  A few years ago, I started a personal project called, “Messages of Hope” where I asked a group of peers to share the various positive affirmations they use or things messages someone has shared with them that helped them when they were fighting their own personal darkness.  It was a project I had fully intended to continue long term unfortunately life got in the way and as a result it fell to the back burner.  

Recently I have come to realize that one of the greatest gifts you can give to another person is hope.  And to that end I have decided to revive the old project and currently looking for people who would like to participate.  The concept is fairly simple: we will arrange a time to meet and together we do a “Messages of Hope” photoshoot similar to the examples below.  If you are interested please e-mail me to set up a shoot date: recovery.artist2019@gmail.com

Wellness Tools

Some of the most common coping skills and/or wellness tools people share with others include things like: Counting to 10, Deep Breathing and Positive Affirmations.  But unfortunately, it has been my experience that while these can be helpful they more often they are simply spouted off without any real consideration on effectively using them. In an effort to help others understand the benefits of these skills I would like to provide some guidance and break down the process I’ve used myself to better explain how they can be put into practice.

Recovery is Real

For as long as I can remember I've always been, "different" but didn't always want to accept it. Today I'm thankful that I am living proof that recovery is real. Whether it be dealing with various physical challenges that have cropped up over the year or the mental illness issues I have lived with for a majority of my life, I refuse to give up.  

Artful expressions

One of the things I’m always thankful for is when my muse hits me with the gift of creativity. From a young age there have been 2 things that I've always identified myself as, an athlete and an artist. Even as kid I loved creating things. When I was little I would draw, paint, and enjoyed doing various other craft projects. 

Understanding connections

Understanding people and interpersonal communication skills are of my biggest challenges I deal with on a regular basis. Finding ways to connect with others is difficult for me andI've often to tried explaining it people by describing it as if someone has taken a wide variety of different jigsaw puzzles of different sizes, shapes, images, etc. and mixed them all together.  Then randomly handing me a pile of the pieces and expecting me to figure how they all fit together in a way that’s sense.  

Walking Miracle

The chance to share your recovery story can be a very empowering experience but at the same time it can feel like a completely daunting task. One of the challenges is remembering to focus on the “recovery” instead of dwelling on the “illness”.  Today I am going to share part of my story in the hopes that it might help others understand that they are not alone.

Fear is a 4-letter word

Fear, something most people tend to shy away from and avoid at all costs.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines fear as, “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger” so it would make sense that people would want to avoid it.  But fear is an essential part of life.  It’s what keeps us from doing things that could cause serious physical harm.   But fear can also limit us and prevent us from venturing outside of our known comfort zone due the perceived danger not of physical injury but of emotional and mental harm.

Reframed Perspectives

Emotions can be difficult to understand and process at times.  In fact, one of the questions I fear the most is: How are you feeling/doing?  To be fair there are actually two reasons why I dread this question.  On the one hand I am always questioning whether they actually want to know how I’m feeling/doing in that particular moment or if they are simply asking out of societal expectations of being polite.  On the other hand, what if they are genuinely interested or concerned about my welfare at that given moment?  My response is usually the same regardless of the other persons motive for asking, I don’t know because emotions tend to confuse me and in general I really don’t know what I’m feeling at given time.