Journey of Self Expression

In 2013, I had the opportunity to submit my work to a local gallery show whose theme was "Abandoned". I decided to focus on the people who are often "abandoned" by society and set up my first formal photo shoot.  It was an amazing experience and I was lucky enough to work with a great local actor and make-up artists who helped me bring the images I envisioned to life.   The goal was to show a kid who had been abused and bullied by his peers. It was my first chance to share part of my story through a series of photos without having to actually talk about my experiences:

Finding A Voice Through Art

Imagine for a moment that you have lost your voice. You still have the same thoughts. The same feelings.  Only now you have no way to share them with others. Simple things most people take for granted, like making eye contact or understanding social cues, are confusing so you retreat back into yourself.  There are times when you want to engage with others, to be a part of the group but the fear of not being able to express yourself holds you back.

I’ve been living with mental illness most of my life, and at times it leaves me in a dark place.  Emotions confuse me, and I don’t always know how to properly express them. A few years ago, I had a great therapist named Joyce.  Often times when she asked how I was feeling the only response I could give her was a blank, deer in headlights stare.  Thankfully she had a special deck of cards that not only gave the names of different emotions, but also had pictures to describe what those emotions were supposed to look like.  Using those cards, I could pick out the pictures that described what I was feeling and together we would decide whether the emotion attached was really what I was feeling.  Joyce helped me to better understand that images could be used to communicate.  

Organized Chaos

Some days it's hard to pinpoint what exactly I'm thinking or feeling.  It can be really frustrating trying to sift through the chaotic landscape of my jumbled thoughts and create some sense of order.  But one of the truly amazing things about art is that it can help with that.  While photography is my main focus there are times I like to explore other art mediums as well.  

The Maze

During the four month period following the suicide attempt after losing T-Bone back in 2010, I was hospitalized a total of four times.  The first time was immediately after being discharged from the ICU, where I spent 2 days on a ventilator and from what I was told they weren't entirely sure I still had brain function.  The reality is I was released too soon, and while my team of advocates recognized that I didn't and sadly neither did the staff at the pysch unit where I was hospitalized.  But I was compliant with their treatment plan and did as I was told, in large part because I simply wanted to get the heck out of there and start piecing my life together.

The Beast Within

On June 13, 2010, I attempted suicide after losing my pup T-Bone who was only a week shy of 19 months old.  Months not years, he never even made it to his second birthday.  Losing him almost destroyed me and over the course of the next four months I was in and out of the local psychiatric hospital as I tried to come to terms with my grief of losing him along with the guilt I felt about it because for a long time afterwards I felt responsible for his death.  In truth, I did everything I could for him but unfortunately in the end there was nothing to be done.

Change

Change is not easy, but it is inevitable.  In reality the only true constant in the universe is that life is constantly changing. Personally, I’ve never been a big fan of change. It’s uncomfortable and unknown. People talk about the “comfort zone” a lot and often believe that it’s easy place to be.  One that’s comforting and pleasant. And while at time that can be true, I’ve often found it’s less about being “comfortable” and more about knowing what to expect. Understanding what is expected of you. It’s not about whether you like the situation or circumstances you’re in; it’s about knowing and understanding what is going to happen. Change can be a great thing and lead to amazing opportunities. One of the take away messages I learned at in 2014 while at Certified Peer Specialist training is that, “There is no growth in the Comfort Zone.  And there is no comfort in the Growth Zone.”