Sticks & Stones

 “I’m rubber, you’re glue.  Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”

 

“Ignore them and they’ll leave you alone.”

 

“Let it roll off like water off a duck’s back.”

 

“Grow a tougher skin, you need to learn how not to be so sensitive.”

 

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

 

The truth is that words can hurt. Words have the power to cut us deeper and the pain they cause sticks with us. They become a part of how we identity ourselves. Broken bones heal and are stronger as a result.  But what happens when you break someone’s spirit?  Can the damage done to a person’s psyche every really be healed completely?

 

Think about the worst physical pain you’ve ever experienced. Do you remember what it felt like? Does it cause the same pain now, just by thinking about it?

Our brains have an amazing capacity to forget about the physical pain our bodies endure. Over time, as the wounds heal and the pain subsides, we might remember it. But until we experience it again, we don’t really remember what it felt like. 

 

In September 2012, I had surgery on my right ankle to repair the torn ligaments and remove the bone fragment that had been there for years. I know the recovery process was difficult and at times quite painful. But once I was past it, I forgot about it until I experienced it again in October 2014, when I had the same surgery on my left ankle to repair the torn ligaments. I remember the recovery process after the second surgery was more difficult for a variety of reasons, including the fact I had forgotten the pain from the first time.

 

After the first surgery I was able to get out and do things I hadn’t been able to do for years because the chronic pain with which I had lived with for so long was finally gone. I had gotten used to a new normal where I was more active. Losing that during the recovery process after the second surgery was harder to endure. I pushed myself and didn’t let it heal properly and as a result still have issues with my left ankle. 

 

In the years following the first surgery I was able to regain a part of myself that I previously thought had been lost, the ability to run and hike without constant pain and fear of injuring my ankle.  Growing up I was involved in a wide variety of sports and it was a huge part of my identity. But as I grew older and started college, that part of myself slowly started to disappear.  I was never the star of the team, but I was able to get out and push myself physically which also helped to handle the constant bullying.  I started running again, something I was never great at, but it helped me to clear my head and fight the negative self-talk.  

 

At the beginning of 2014, I set a goal for myself to complete at least 1-5k a month and was well on my way to accomplishing that goal until I tripped and fell off a curb spraining my “good” ankle and giving myself a concussion.  Refusing to give up on my goals I still attempted to complete my first 15k which was scheduled two weeks later and was completely devasted when I had to quit the race because I was too slow to make the time cut off.  A few weeks later the second surgery was scheduled after I attempted one more 5k. While I was able to get across the finish line the physical pain was more than I could endure.  But it was still easier to forget about the physical pain than it was to deal with the mental and emotional pain. 

 

The recovery process was more difficult in large part because I had lost one of my greatest coping skills because I was not able to bear weight for the first 6 weeks.  Once the cast was removed, I was told that I could ditch the crutches as long as I could tolerate bearing weight.  As a result, I pushed through the pain because I needed to be able to get back to running and living a more active lifestyle again to help work through the stress of my life at the time.

 

Over the years I have learned to endure and push through physical pain. At times I have even used it as a way to motivate me and help me cope with the emotional turmoil, faulty filters and stress of life through unhealthy coping skills.