The Green Phoenix

Today has been one of those days that, well to be perfectly honest seriously sucked.
A day where it didn't seem to matter what I did I couldn't find a way out of my head. The thoughts/voices were in full force and the jumbled mess inside my brain was wreaking serious havoc.
After a few hours of dealing with the massive yo-yo mood swings from Hades finally just needed to get out of the house and headed over to Red Top Mountain.  


I hiked the Lakeside trail but still couldn't find a way to quiet the noise so reached out and talked to someone. It helped but didn't at the same time.  I decided to pull out my sketch book and try to draw the images in my head but they were in such a jumbled mess I could figure out how.  I got even more frustrated and the urge to cut got stronger but I wasn't ready to give in.  So pulled out my notebook and a pen instead and just started writing.  This is what came out


Hold on. Pain endsBut you can only hold on for so long.
Eventually the strength runs out
And the exhaustion floods in

Tired. So tired of fighting
I want to let go. Simply let go of all the pain.
To find peace.  The peace I'm told only You can give

They tell me I'm  stronger than I think
But I can't see past my weakness
Yet still, I hold on while I wait for this pain to end
Too afraid to let go. Afraid You're not really there

I know You are but still can't feel Your presence.
They've told me You'll never leave
That all I need to do is trust and lean in
Instead I hold on even tighter and to continue to fight it

I'm not alone even though I can't feel You
    Tired
         Empty
              Afraid

Its time to make a choice
To trust You are really there
I want nothing more than to believe
Still I hold on waiting for the pain to end